Chasing affection

I am seeing my niece this forthcoming week, which scares the shit out of me.

Why?

When you were brought up by parents who were unaffectionate towards you, you never learned how to show fondness for someone without feeling uncomfortable.

What encouraged me to bring up the topic of seeking affection was a telephone convo I had with my father today. Like so many before this one, the conversation was rather dull and loveless- I could probably have got more enthusiasm talking to a stranger... All of my life I've always wanted a father figure who would give me affection and love and attention. I'm sad to say I had to find all of this elsewhere (I've had to deal with a lot of verbal abuse and some physical abuse too). I've backed away from him to the point where we hardly ever speak. I moved out the moment I got an internship (which was the best life decision I have ever made) and now I think back on the aftermath that is my sad excuse for an upbringing. 

Isn't it the saddest thing when you can't remember your parents ever telling you that you are beautiful? Or even for that matter them ever relishing in what kind of daughter they have? When we talk on the phone my father always does this weird thing as we say our goodbyes. Like, he pretty much hesitantly utters any words of affection that come out on such stale breath. I don't know if that makes sense. Basically, the way he acts toward me lets me know for a FACT that if he could do it all over again he wouldn't have had children and eventually, he would be much happier now.

My dad was affectionate towards me when I was VERY young, so young that I barely remember it. He called me a "tweety bird" because of my blond hair. Then, suddenly, everything changed and I do not recall him EVER saying "I love you". Regarding my mum, when I told her that I loved her for the very last time, her response was "I know". That's as affectionate as it's ever got.

I remember the point that I realised just how starved of love I had been. How I used to think I was not worth any deeper feelings. It took me long months of work to realise it was not about me. I'd let a lot of moments slip away while I curled up in my head, wishing I was someone better. But those moments have passed and in this moment, I am happy with me.

This has been a bit uncomfortable for me, I must admit. I've yet again spit myself open. But this time I'm not trying to change what's inside- I am here to tell you I'm flawed, like we all are, and it's okay.

Much love from someone learning what love ever means,

Kasia