I don't know what to feel.
I've been trying to put all the pieces of me together since Sunday. The irony is, I perhaps have never simultaneously felt so complete and torn apart in my life.
I'm 24 and there haven't been many situations that made me not to know how to deal with myself. To be honest, I could count them on the fingers of a single hand.
Find someone who is worth taking you away from the reality you have built.
I met people who I've appreciated since the very first day I discovered them. Sometimes a deep, overflowing feeling hits you immediately and never leaves you. For some it is love, for others it is friendship. What has it been to me? An inner gratitude for being able to save and discover myself. Indeed, this probably is as accurate as I'm able to name it.
There were countless times when I tried to put my thoughts into words. All those unproductive moments at work when being filled with sounds of my favourite music kept me moving forward when I thought I was at the verge of giving up. All those sleepless nights when I cried my eyes out because I felt so alone all I had left were the words of the song that, stupidly, made me feel like there was someone, somewhere who understood how I was feeling. All those moments when I imagined the day of meeting them and giving thanks. And when the dreams became reality and I was standing in front of them, all I was able to do was to smile. It was the most frustrating and heart-warming feeling ever.
You immediately get a feeling that you want to be around them for ever. Not because of their looks, fame or another crap the majority of people ramble about. It's because of their personality that hits you right away. I've come across thousands people throughout all these years but (probably) hadn't met as humane and sincere people as them before. People who made you feel comfortable from the very beginning; people who probably were aware of an inner storm you were dealing with at that moment because you couldn't believe how lucky you were; people who had enough empathy to accept the love overflowing you and inability of making sense with things you wanted to say as all you managed to articulate were few words that would never be enough.
I have never considered them to be my heroes. Neither have I assigned them superhuman features because it has always been beyond hilarious to me. At the end of the day they are strikingly normal, lovely men who prove the world not everyone becomes a stupid fucker the moment they become famous (btw. I hate this word).
All my life I've been taught not to show my feelings. Being emotional was equal to being weak. When I was 10 and had to take care of my older brother so that my mum could work two jobs in order for us to get by, all I could do was to convince myself I was strong. There was no time to cry or ask for help because there was no one there to hear me. Fourteen years after that I didn't want to be weak either. Not that I felt the need to shed tears at the time of the meeting but I felt like that little kid again. This time, however, I didn't have to make up beautiful stories to get me through the day because it was happening - I was making memories which I'll keep in my heart for ever.
"There was the time when a moment like this wouldn't ever cross my mind."
Thank you for making this day even more special. Dziękuję.
X

😢 This made me very emotional. Yet happy the same time. It is probably the most appreciating blog entry, ever. Although you didn't even name the guys you are refering to. Because it is just unneeded.
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